I don't ever want to see him again


I wrote this at twenty but a lot of it is still relate-able now which probably says a lot more about me than the poem.

I don't ever want to see him again  

 I don't ever want to see him again,
I don't ever want his eyes to meet mine
and extract stories from my soul.

 I don't ever want to be with him again
and watch his trembling mouth mold
the truth, creating stories out of insipid lies

 I don't ever want to smell him again,
the allure of manly scent lightly tinged with sweat.

 I don't ever want to love him again and
feel my heart quicken with his every touch.

 I don't ever want to hate him again,
I can't bear the burning anger behind my eyes,
twisting my soul.

 I don't ever want to hear him again
and have his voice lull me to sleep with fairy tales.

 I don't ever want to know him again
and drag myself through the misery 
of broken love and tearful hearts.

 I don't ever want to touch him again 
or feel his intimacy of his hand in mine
and watch his eyelashes throwing
moth like shadows on my skin.

 I don't ever want to love again
and feel my skin being peeled back 
to reveal my new and bleeding soul.

 I don't ever want to cry again
I have cried enough.

 I don't ever want to see him again.
I want to erase his memory forever from
my heart and wake tomorrow 
in a place where he does not exist,

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What to do if you think you might be autistic

Image
  I am not really qualified to write a handbook on the weird girl to autistic woman pipeline but I can speak on my own experience in the hope that it helps someone else navigate the road to discovering their true self. a lot of people struggling with self disclosing that they are autistic but I seem to have the opposite problem. I have worked through much of my autism journey by sharing my thoughts on it with others, regardless of whether they actually asked me to. If I have info dumped autism on you against your will then I would like to formally apologise. I have often found when speaking to people about my own lived experiences I will meet others who resonate with what I am saying, sometimes because they too have questioned their own identity and felt out of place in the neuro-typical world. I will usually have an idea that I have spotted another neurodivergent in the wild especially if we are vibing a little too well together. If you feel we are on the same wave length then oh ...
Read more

Autism and other adventures

Image
  Last year I started up my blog again to explore discovering that I am autistic in my 40's. A massive surprise to mostly just me. I wrote a number of posts exploring the different facets of my experience as a late realised autistic woman and then just promptly disappeared. This is my attempt to catch people up. The reason I have not been writing about my experiences is because I have been experiencing autistic burnout for most of this year and my ability to communicate verbally or at least to articulate myself with the same ease I normally do is one of many skills that has fallen by the wayside. I made the decision this year to step down from a position at work that came with a certain amount of responsibility because I was not coping and stayed on in a relief capacity. Similar job just with less overall commitment. It has thankfully helped a little but working in a stressful job while incredibly burnt out is no joke. It takes most of what I've got each week to show up and ass...
Read more

So you've been diagnosed Autistic, now what

Image
  Today my psychologist officially confirmed my autism diagnosis, documentation to follow. I know this should not feel like a momentous occasion given she had verbally told me last week but it was. I was pretty certain that's what I had been told last week but there was a really small part of my brain that thought maybe I had misunderstood. Perhaps she had in fact said that she would be confirming 'if' I was autistic and I heard what I wanted to hear. a lifetime of misunderstandings in communication will leave a girl doubting herself. I will be getting a letter confirming my diagnosis plus another that goes into more details plus something for my doctor, my dentist and my full report. We discussed work place accommodations but I left off that letter for now. It felt a lot of it didn't really fit for my place of work. In many ways my work place accommodates me in ways other places don't; I can bring in stim toys or chewellry and not really have to explain much, we do...
Read more