I deserve better
I deserve better... For many people the concept of deserving better from life or from people in their life isn't exactly mind-blowing but I was hit hard with the realization that it's taken me 30 odd years to be able to say that.
I have gone through life fully invested in the belief that I was living the life that I deserved. They say that like attracts like and I stumbled in and out of unhappy relationships, telling myself that this was all I was worth and Then I met 'the ex' who recognized in me my capacity to put myself down and happily became that other voice in my ear, dragging his issues and troubled past with him.
If you've ever wondered why a woman stays in an abusive relationship then its more complex than you could begin to understand. It took me a long time to admit that my last serious relationship was emotionally abusive but I'm sick of feeling shamed that I allowed myself to be with someone like that. It's not always as straightforward as leaving as soon as things turn bad because that's harder than you think.
You stay because you don't believe you deserve better. You know this because you have told yourself how little you are worth for as long as you can remember and now you have found yourself with someone who is more than happy to take over that role for you. When you are told
on a regular basis that you'll never be loved like this again and that really you're lucky he puts up with you, it starts to seep beneath your skin until you wake morning with a stale mouth and the vestiges of your self worth slowly chipped away.
You stay because love is complicated and even though you fantasize every day about not having to live with him anymore, not being told your clothing is inappropriate,or that you spend too much time interacting with other men, not having to navigate the minefield of his crazy.Who would have thought a casual revelation about a spray tan done a year before you even met him would leave stuck by his enraged silence for days on end. You dream of having your own place where you don't feel confined to the bedroom because 'he needs his space' and feeling able to breathe without the tension of every stupid little argument hanging over you, but at the same time leaving is the scariest thing you can ever comprehend doing, what if you leave and regret it and he wont take you back. So you stay and wait for him to tire of you, to say he's had enough and then he'll sit back and wait for you to cry and beg him to reconsider. to promise to change, to be better, to be easier to live with just like
you did all the other times.
This one last time you don't, you cry like your whole world is falling apart and you pack and you slowly loosen his hold on your life, You move out and find he's still running your life. Freaking out because you went out with people from work, commenting on your clothes, arguing all the time until you get so stressed you get sick, back and forth to the doctor with stomach pains and it's not until you're in hospital getting angry messages because his jealousy over a medical procedure ( doctors getting to see your butt- lucky doctors) is getting out of control, that you take a deep breathe and say enough, this is enough. and you close that door and ignore those calls, the messages; the pleading ones and the angry ones. and you put yourself back together with the realization that you don't deserve this, you deserve better
He told me I'll never meet anyone who loves me like he did, I fucking hope so because I deserve better
I have gone through life fully invested in the belief that I was living the life that I deserved. They say that like attracts like and I stumbled in and out of unhappy relationships, telling myself that this was all I was worth and Then I met 'the ex' who recognized in me my capacity to put myself down and happily became that other voice in my ear, dragging his issues and troubled past with him.
If you've ever wondered why a woman stays in an abusive relationship then its more complex than you could begin to understand. It took me a long time to admit that my last serious relationship was emotionally abusive but I'm sick of feeling shamed that I allowed myself to be with someone like that. It's not always as straightforward as leaving as soon as things turn bad because that's harder than you think.
You stay because you don't believe you deserve better. You know this because you have told yourself how little you are worth for as long as you can remember and now you have found yourself with someone who is more than happy to take over that role for you. When you are told
on a regular basis that you'll never be loved like this again and that really you're lucky he puts up with you, it starts to seep beneath your skin until you wake morning with a stale mouth and the vestiges of your self worth slowly chipped away.
You stay because love is complicated and even though you fantasize every day about not having to live with him anymore, not being told your clothing is inappropriate,or that you spend too much time interacting with other men, not having to navigate the minefield of his crazy.Who would have thought a casual revelation about a spray tan done a year before you even met him would leave stuck by his enraged silence for days on end. You dream of having your own place where you don't feel confined to the bedroom because 'he needs his space' and feeling able to breathe without the tension of every stupid little argument hanging over you, but at the same time leaving is the scariest thing you can ever comprehend doing, what if you leave and regret it and he wont take you back. So you stay and wait for him to tire of you, to say he's had enough and then he'll sit back and wait for you to cry and beg him to reconsider. to promise to change, to be better, to be easier to live with just like
you did all the other times.
This one last time you don't, you cry like your whole world is falling apart and you pack and you slowly loosen his hold on your life, You move out and find he's still running your life. Freaking out because you went out with people from work, commenting on your clothes, arguing all the time until you get so stressed you get sick, back and forth to the doctor with stomach pains and it's not until you're in hospital getting angry messages because his jealousy over a medical procedure ( doctors getting to see your butt- lucky doctors) is getting out of control, that you take a deep breathe and say enough, this is enough. and you close that door and ignore those calls, the messages; the pleading ones and the angry ones. and you put yourself back together with the realization that you don't deserve this, you deserve better
He told me I'll never meet anyone who loves me like he did, I fucking hope so because I deserve better
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