Fat Laura doesn't live here anymore

Is it wrong to refer to the heavier old version of me as a separate persona ? It doesn't really matter because I'm going to do it anyway. I think one of the biggest things about losing weight is the inability to properly see the change once it happens. Everyone says that other people will see it well before you do, much like the way it happens with weight gain but for different reasons.

 When I gained weight and couldn't see it that was denial, plain and simple and if I didn't know it was happening then I didn't have to admit something was going to have to change or I'd have become like the lady in the above photo looking lustily at a chocolate fountain, to be fair I probably wasn't far off having that sort of relationship with chocolate.

 With weight loss comes a whole new set of problems and the inability to see it stems from self perception. Now I wont go so far as to say its body dysmorphia as that's an actual condition that doesn't need to be trivialized just because I have a penchant for Melodrama. And what's really terrible is that I spent an unreasonable amount of time sort of wishing I had it and that one day I'd wake up and discover I actually looked fine but I only thought I looked hideous.
Approximately the same amount of time was spent wishing I had the sort of thyroid problems that meant no matter how much I ate I wouldn't put on any weight (and I'd go around muttering about my stupid fast metabolism) or wishing I had that very mild form of narcolepsy that meant I could voluntarily go to sleep anywhere at any time of day or night. You might be sensing a theme here, In reality I'm sure any of those conditions would not be the convenience I hoped them to be.

 Other people will look at me and tell me how well I'm doing, I know posting a picture online of me looking like Mr Blobby's other half helps people make that comparison and in a  way that's nice. The kind of nice where I squirm uncomfortably, I have found I take insults far more easily than compliments. So you here this and you nod and smile but most of the time I can't see that. I have occasional moments where I marvel over having visible collar bones ( and not in a scary anorexic way) but usually all I see is room for improvement, so much bloody room for improvement and not nearly enough improvement is going on.

 This should be where I reach my breaking point and say 'no more cake for you, you've had enough' but the reality of it is I don't eat cake anymore or chocolate or biscuits or takeaways of any description so logically I know it would be impossible or at least virtually impossible to get back to where I used to be. But in reality it leaves me thinking that now I've purged so much from my diet, really cleaned it up so what's left for me to give up So I can feel like less of a lump.

 It's hard to know which truth would be harder to swallow, maybe I'm in denial about how clean I'm really eating, even though I know I'm not sneakily eating cookies or this is all in my head which leaves me with a much bigger problem to deal with. So I keep telling myself Fat Laura doesn't live here any more. And she doesn't, we have no time for her eating habits and self destructive behavior but I don't feel like the person I'm trying to be lives here yet either and that's going to take a bit more work.

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