Inappropriate Valentine's and other stories
Sometimes I worry that for all the bizarre or funny or filthy stuff my brain decides to hold onto I'm losing valuable information. Like for example the fact that I still remember that a dendraphiliac is the name for a person who has sex with trees ( check urban dictionary if you don't believe me) even though I read it somewhere years ago. Does that mean I have forgotten some vital piece of information just so I can have that conversation starter ready to go. I certainly hope not because its only one of many bits of useless information that Goes rattling around in my head.
So the picture below is of a card that reads 'boyfriend there's a party in my mouth for you' and then inside it says 'will you be coming' hilarious but oh so inappropriate. That's the kind of valentines card I could get behind as it goes against all the saccharine crap we seem to be peddling in the spirit of good ol saint Valentine. Anyway one of the girls found it while browsing in work and had to alert a manager. I would have loved to have been listening while it was explained what was wrong with the card because the joke must have been missed when it was ordered in.
It reminds me of the time back in college when I read a very real, funny letter to a problem page. I think it was in company magazine and some poor girl had written in asking for advice because her boyfriend had asked if he could give her a 'pearl necklace' but she said they were cohabiting and saving to buy their own place so she was concerned about the cost. ( for those of you that don't know a pearl necklace is not just a pricey item of jewelry but also a sex act where the man ejaculates on a woman's neck/ chest area much like a necklace and before you ask my Brain decided to keep that pointless bit of information while no doubt discarding basic trigonometry) anyway the agony aunt knew what the boyfriend was really offering so she kindly suggested the girl speak with her boyfriend as he wasn't really looking to buy her jewelry.
After much laughter I texted this on to a a few of my friends but one of the guys ( poor naive head on him) didn't get why it was funny so I got the delightful task of explaining what a pearl necklace was while forever ruining his innocence. All In a days work.
I don't know why my brain chooses these things to remember and not others but if something interests or amuses me it has been known to stick. It has come in handy when arguing my case or during exams when I start writing an answer
And suddenly remember all the really interesting parts of what i was studying. but that stuff isn't as funny so we'll save it for Another day.
Yet Another example of pointless information my brain has decided to retain
. A few years back I read quite an amusing confessions page in a women's magazine. Now a lot of them do embarrassing things that have happened to me And that sort of thing but this particular one was nurses writing in about their funniest a&e cases which all seemed to involve sexual injuries but this stuff makes for entertaining conversation so it's not that surprising my brain would store it to save me from
conversational drought. some of the stories included men showing up at the hospital after getting genitals stuck In a wine bottle ( how? The mind boggles, the poor sad tiny penised men) or the guy who as part of sexy role play decided to tie his girlfriend to the bed and then went to jump onto the bed from the dresser wearing only a cape but misjudged the distance and hit his head on a bedpost rendering himself unconscious and leaving the poor woman to scream
For help. Something tells me they were avoiding eye contact with the neighbours after that.
My personal favourite in this article was the bit Where one nurse said man vs Hoover accidents were surprisingly common. If true that's a worrying fact and can only imagine their embarrassment when the Hoover gets stuck And off they go to a&e with their hose still attached to the hose. Anyway in these situations apparently the most common excuses men trot out are 1) I was hoovering in the nude ( as you do) 2) I was just hoovering crumbs off my lap and 3) I was out of the shower and I was just walking past the Hoover when it turned itself on.
Oh I laughed and then told many people .
So the picture below is of a card that reads 'boyfriend there's a party in my mouth for you' and then inside it says 'will you be coming' hilarious but oh so inappropriate. That's the kind of valentines card I could get behind as it goes against all the saccharine crap we seem to be peddling in the spirit of good ol saint Valentine. Anyway one of the girls found it while browsing in work and had to alert a manager. I would have loved to have been listening while it was explained what was wrong with the card because the joke must have been missed when it was ordered in.
It reminds me of the time back in college when I read a very real, funny letter to a problem page. I think it was in company magazine and some poor girl had written in asking for advice because her boyfriend had asked if he could give her a 'pearl necklace' but she said they were cohabiting and saving to buy their own place so she was concerned about the cost. ( for those of you that don't know a pearl necklace is not just a pricey item of jewelry but also a sex act where the man ejaculates on a woman's neck/ chest area much like a necklace and before you ask my Brain decided to keep that pointless bit of information while no doubt discarding basic trigonometry) anyway the agony aunt knew what the boyfriend was really offering so she kindly suggested the girl speak with her boyfriend as he wasn't really looking to buy her jewelry.
After much laughter I texted this on to a a few of my friends but one of the guys ( poor naive head on him) didn't get why it was funny so I got the delightful task of explaining what a pearl necklace was while forever ruining his innocence. All In a days work.
I don't know why my brain chooses these things to remember and not others but if something interests or amuses me it has been known to stick. It has come in handy when arguing my case or during exams when I start writing an answer
And suddenly remember all the really interesting parts of what i was studying. but that stuff isn't as funny so we'll save it for Another day.
Yet Another example of pointless information my brain has decided to retain
. A few years back I read quite an amusing confessions page in a women's magazine. Now a lot of them do embarrassing things that have happened to me And that sort of thing but this particular one was nurses writing in about their funniest a&e cases which all seemed to involve sexual injuries but this stuff makes for entertaining conversation so it's not that surprising my brain would store it to save me from
conversational drought. some of the stories included men showing up at the hospital after getting genitals stuck In a wine bottle ( how? The mind boggles, the poor sad tiny penised men) or the guy who as part of sexy role play decided to tie his girlfriend to the bed and then went to jump onto the bed from the dresser wearing only a cape but misjudged the distance and hit his head on a bedpost rendering himself unconscious and leaving the poor woman to scream
For help. Something tells me they were avoiding eye contact with the neighbours after that.
My personal favourite in this article was the bit Where one nurse said man vs Hoover accidents were surprisingly common. If true that's a worrying fact and can only imagine their embarrassment when the Hoover gets stuck And off they go to a&e with their hose still attached to the hose. Anyway in these situations apparently the most common excuses men trot out are 1) I was hoovering in the nude ( as you do) 2) I was just hoovering crumbs off my lap and 3) I was out of the shower and I was just walking past the Hoover when it turned itself on.
Oh I laughed and then told many people .
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